Lower those expectations.

You learn a lot about people in times of affliction.

Like this past year, when we learned that adults who threw hissy fits about wearing masks had clearly lived privileged lives without much, if any, adversity. When my 4-year-old nephew can wear a mask longer than you without complaining, it's time to reevaluate some things.

But seriously, when met with a moment you have an opportunity to arrive or retreat. Sometimes those moments are clear and obvious (see the wear a mask message) and other times we miss them entirely if we aren't paying attention.

I'm not equating "arrive or retreat" with "right or wrong" here, either. Sometimes those moments hit us at a point in our lives when we aren't equipped to handle them, and the retreat occurs without much awareness.

Back in 2012 my mom's house burned down in a massive wildfire that swept through her entire neighborhood. Few homes were spared and it was devastating, to state the obvious. At the time I had just graduated from college and started my first "adult" job (whatever that means?). I was living alone for the first time and paying my bills without any help. I also thought I knew everything like most 23-year-olds.

What I realize now, but didn't understand then, was that my mom was suffering a massive loss. She was grieving. Sure it's just "things", but everything she had that identified who she was disappeared in a swift moment and her life was altered entirely. She shed a part of herself when that happened and I was suddenly in the presence of a person that felt so completely different than the mom I knew.

What I also realize now, is that I had unresolved parent wounds that led me to believe it was my job to take care of my mom. Growing up with a single mom I felt guilty leaving her alone. Holidays were especially difficult and this story that I was abandoning her when we went to my dad's weighed heavily on me my entire life. Even in college and as a young adult I hated going back home because I felt like I had to divide my time equally between households.

So when her house burned down and I felt like it was my job to "fix" everything for her, it began to wear me down until we had a ridiculous blowout and didn't speak for several years. Years.

This all happened almost ten years ago and I'm just now starting to understand it. My mom and I had worked through our issues in the time before she passed, but I never really felt like we got back to where we used to be until we found out she was sick. Cancer has a funny way of putting shit into perspective- who knew?

The grief gift here, though, (by now you knew I was going here) was her death eventually leading me to therapy and digging up a lifetime of wounds like the aforementioned. When that fire ripped through we were both met with a moment, even if they were different versions.

I now understand what I needed in those moments of crisis was a parent. I needed my mom to be my mom, and she needed someone to be her emotional support system. Not my job, but I took it on as though it was and my mom allowed it to happen as she unconsciously had done my entire upbringing. It didn't matter that I was an "adult", I needed a parent. We all need our parents to be parents, whether we're 5 or 45.

As a society we tend to make dead people heroes. It's taboo to speak ill of the dead. The reality is that she, and all people who have died, was human. They screwed up and to pretend they didn't is a disservice to those still living.

The fact that my mom loved me with every ounce of her being AND that she wasn't always the best parent can both be true. It doesn't have to be either or.

I carried a lot of guilt for an extensive time and abused myself for "not being there for her when she needed me". For a long time I viewed how I handled that period in our lives as a "retreat" moment. It's true, I did retreat, but what I was doing ultimately was right for me. I needed a parent and she wasn't wearing that hat, so it didn't serve me to engage.

All that said, of course there are things I would change if I had a do-over. Shutting someone out doesn't solve anything. It's an avoidance behavior and I wish I had the better mind to try and articulate my emotions instead of, again, retreating. Still learning.

The other side of all this is the unconscious expectations we have for others. I, personally, am very hard on the people closest to me and have lofty expectations for them. This isn't always a bad thing- it means we hold our standards high and expect the people in our lives to behave with a certain level of decency and integrity.

The problem, though, is that ideology can set people up for failure. When we assume someone will handle things the way we would and then they don't, there's disappointment. Unrealistic expectations help write narratives that don't actually exist. They feed the ego story our brains so badly want to be true.

If you strip away those ideas of who you think someone else should be, you can adjust your expectations and support the people in your life the way they need to be supported. And if they disappoint you time and again? Well maybe they don't match the standards you set in your life and it's time to adjust some boundaries.

It's complicated, everything is. And it's especially complicated when it's family. "If I only knew then what I know now" is a cliché because it's true. Here's the other side, though- "But now I know".

And once you know you have a responsibility to do better and be better. I didn't know when I was 23, but I know now and I'm equipped with the tools to try better next time.

I'm fortunate enough to have two living parents that I get a second chance with, and you better believe I'm now very vocal in letting my dad know I need a parent and I'm still the kid. We've got plenty of other parent wounds to work through, but I'll keep those private for my dad's sake. Don't worry, Dad- I won't air our dirty laundry until you're gone too (kiddingggggg).

Per usual, the message that transpired here as I wrote was not what I had intended. I set out to talk about the shift of relationships in our lives as we grieve, which was prompted by some serious disappointment I had in a friend. And here I am, with the reminder to heed my own advise 🙃.

Until next time ✌